The Harry Potter Darwin Awards
by Smirnoff Ryuu
Summary: The ceremony to end all ceremonies, with laughter and tears as the Harry Potter Characters are assessed and eliminated from the wizarding and literary gene pool
1. Chapter 1

**The Harry Potter Darwin Awards**

Yes that time in the life of any popular series has finally arrived for the Harry Potter Characters. They are all sat nervously waiting backstage, fingernails being bitten with the Weasley Wizard Wheezes product…self biting fingernails…and tension is at its height. More than one fight has already broken out as to whom will be first to unceremoniously kicked out of the gene pool, though an appeal can be held at the end of all the awards.

The Darwin awards are in fun, jest and if taken seriously then the whole point of HUMOUR and PARODY have been greatly over looked if not missed entirely. Disclaimer of all previous work applies, don't own, won't ever own, made up for fun no profit apart from laughter.

Read and enjoy and as always feedback is appreciated…it's mandatory in some countries!


	2. Chapter 2

Silence falls across the entire hall as an envelope is brought to the podium. The announcer, takes it from the boy with a lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead and tentatively opens it.

"_And the first of the Harry Potter Characters to be removed from the gene pool is…_

_Professor Umbridge_

_If there is any doubt as to why Professor Umbridge deserves to be removed from the gene pool I hereby list the crimes which I would have her tried and convicted of before unceremoniously kicking her out of the gene pool…_

_She created the Educational decrees_

_She was generally just a mean person_

_She took over Headship of Hogwarts from Dumbledore_

_She forced the twins hand in creating havoc around Hogwarts_

_She granted Slytherins power in Hogwarts over other students_

_She kidnapped Heddwig read Harry's private mail_

_She tried to grab Sirius' head in the floo network_

_She doesn't believe that Voldemort has returned_

_She sides with the Slytherins_

_She works for Fudge"_


	3. Chapter 3

"This can't be!" Dolores Umbridge leapt from her seat outraged at being chosen but a few seconds later she had completely vanished (though Harry could swear and Ron did, that he saw her being dragged away by rough looking pixies dressed in black suits.)

"Well one down Ladies and Gentlemen." The announcer continued seemingly unmoved by Umbridge's out burst. "But the evening doesn't end there. Before dinner is served we have another two candidates to be removed from the gene pool and of course there is always the option of appeal at the end of the ceremony, but time always runs a little short then, so lets continue! Can I please have the next envelope."

A boy with flame red hair rose from one of the tables and walked forward towards the stage carrying an envelope, he was no more than five steps from the stage when he tripped and fell onto the red carpet.

"Bloody Hell!"

"You did that on purpose!" The boy with the lightning bolt shaped scar leapt to his feet and pointed his wand at a platinum haired boy close to where Ron had tripped.

"Did what Potter?" Draco Malfoy sneered at Harry, who not being one to listen to Hermionie's pleas of sitting down and not making a scene, launched himself across the hall at Draco.

He swung with his left hand and it impacted the side of Draco's cheek, causing the young Slytherin to cry out in pain and try to wriggle away from Harry, before Crabbe and Goyle decided to join in. Harry received two sharp kicks to the side and rolled off Draco, as Ron threw himself into Crabbe and attacked the bigger boy life a terrier.

"That will do!" Professor McGonagall's intervention came not a moment too soon as all five boys had drawn there wands and rogue curses had already begun to fly hitting more than one unsuspecting guest…Angelina Johnson's nose had been transformed into a trunk and Hannah Abbott had broken out in green spots.

The boys were pulled apart and the announcer received the envelope from a rather nervous looking young man clutching a toad.

"And after that brief scuffle we can continue. The next character to be excluded from the wizarding and literary gene pool is Draco Malfoy! Draco Malfoy –

If there is any doubt as to why Draco Malfoy deserves to be removed from the gene pool I hereby list the crimes which I would have him tried and convicted of before unceremoniously kicking him out of the gene pool…

He's too young to be dying his hair

He has no redeeming qualities

He is a coward

He made Ron curse himself

He keeps creating mean songs about Ron

He keeps teaching his mean songs about Ron to Slytherin members

He's a spoilt little Daddy's boy

He isn't a real ferret

He isn't in Gryffindor, Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff

He doesn't like Dumbledore"


	4. Chapter 4

"WHAT! Wait until my father hears about this…" Draco vanished before he could finish speaking.

"Your father is in Azkaban anyway, I'd like to see what he could do." Harry said dryly.

"And to the final person to be evicted before we sit down to dinner, so let's make this as brief as possible shall we? The envelope please."

Angelina, still sporting her fetching trunk ascended the small flight of stairs to the stage and handed the small, but rather fat envelope to the announcer, who smiled gratefully and tried not to laugh at the ridiculous sight of the young Quidditcher sporting a trunk.

"And the winner…I mean loser is…Harry Potter!" The whole rooms drew in a gasp (le gasp) and turned fearfully to stare at Harry who sat rigid and disbelieving in his seat.

"Harry Potter –

If there is any doubt as to why Harry Potter deserves to be removed from the gene pool I hereby list the crimes which I would have him tried and convicted of before unceremoniously kicking him out of the gene pool…

He caused Cedric's death

He complains too much

He mistreats his friends, especially Ron

He doesn't realise how lucky he is

He belongs in Slytherin

He caused Sirius' death

He caused Cedric's death

More people will die to protect him

He didn't completely finish the Dark Lord when he had the chance

He allowed the Dark Lord's most faithful servant to return to him

His blood resurrected the Dark Lord

He hasn't shared his gold with the Weasleys

He isn't realising his full potential

He hasn't killed Cho

He hasn't killed Umbridge

He hasn't killed Fudge

He had moments of doubt in Dumbledore

He believes the whole world revolves around him

He nearly had Ron eaten by Spiders

He isn't very supportive of Hagrid, especially during Buckbeak's trial."


End file.
